>Is it normal than for a bipolar child to be able to remember
>things so well but not be able to think before punching or
>biting me. For ex: If I promise him that we'll go for a
>walk in the morning when we wake up or I will get him an
>icee tomorrow after dinner he will not forget when that time
>comes. He has an excellent memory. This is partly why my
>husband believes our son is just "difficult, strong- willed
>and stubborn".
Memory and thinking are very different brain activities. Almost all kids learn the rules and can parrot them back, so parents think the child is "forgetting" the rules or deliberately failing to follow the rules. However, knowledge and actions aren't the same. Applying knowledge (rules, in this case) to a situation, requires the child who is suddenly excited/overstimulated/startled/aggrieved, etc. to stop, analyze the situation, realize he's on the verge of hitting, remind himself not to hit and instead use words, think of the words, say the words. When your son punches, bites, etc., chances are he's reacting to a perceived threat, using the non-thinking part of his brain that responds to threats with fight-or-flight behavior. Prevention is worth a pound of cure (and punishment doesn't seem to be curing your son, right?). A few ideas:
1. Prevention: More supervision, especially around other children.
2. Prevent overstimulation/change the environment: Changing the environment refers to not just what is physically "in" the environment but everything that happens within the environment. This could mean a lot of things, such as shortening the amount of time for an activity (or taking a short break in a different & calm place for a just a few minutes, such as going to the kitchen for a drink or going to the mailbox); it might mean reducing the visual "busyness" of the room with less color, fewer objects, putting objects in a closed closet or container, having an empty wall with no visual stimulation; possibly reducing the "noise" or sounds in the room — such as no radio/TV/computer games/music in the background (or only very soft, soothing music), or playing apart from others who are talking, laughing, or reducing the amount of your own talk and/or allowing more silent pauses in your conversation.
3. Have you had your son evaluated for sensory processing disorder? Sometimes a child can be under- or over-responsive to his environment (sound, visual, touch, movement, etc.), which can result in poor behavioral regulation, high reactivity to ordinary things & happenings in his world, aggressive behavior.
Is it also normal for the child to act a
>little bit more "compliant" with his father than mother and
>if so why? He has bitten his father but I couldn't see him
>punching him in the face.
I think most kids, bipolar or not, tend to behave better with outsiders because they're a little more "on guard." Your son spends more time with you than others, including his father, so he's much more relaxed and not so watchful or careful; you're safer to be around. Another possibility for your son's better behavior around your husband is that men tend to talk less than women, tend not to sweat some of the small stuff that moms might try to control, and the lower pitch of men's voices may help keeping the child calm. (Pure speculation!)
If for example my husband wanted
>to punish our son for these actions by not allowing him his
>1/2 television show before bed(which is a ritual and routine
>for him) is this appropriate or not?
Your family values will have to guide you, but my preference would be to not to think in terms of punishment until you see that a child not only knows the rules but can consistently apply them. Punishment for WILLFULLY failing to obey rules and behave appropriately can be effective, but until you've seen your child show that he CAN regularly obey rules and behave appropriately, I wouldn't punish the child. I would talk with him about the problem when he's calm, I would ask that he apologize when he's calm and, if appropriate, clean up the mess or do a few llittle chores to "help" pay for/replace the damaged item.
It's extremely
>difficult to do as you stated before because without some
>sort of diagnosis or outside view of our home life I still
>feel like maybe I'm not being sturn enough, maybe I am
>letting him act this way.
What child would WANT to lash out by biting and punching? Your son doesn't enjoy the feelings he has that govern his inappropriate responses. You are not LETTING him do something; you just have not found an EFFECTIVE method of changing the behavior. Being stern and disapproving and frowning and blaming him for what he doesn't know how to control will, over time, make him feel like a good-for-nothing, can't-win-for-losing failure, and then he'll get a diagnosis of Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD), and most "experts" will encourage you to try sterner or other methods that may work for WILLFUL behavior, but will only made a child crazier if he lacks the ability to control his behavior. Children want to please. A "good" child will occasionally CHOOSE to "steal" an extra piece of candy or CHOOSE not to do chores or CHOOSE to punch his brother, but your son is not choosing his behavior. Choosing means willfulness, and your son is not choosing his behavior.
When what you are doing is not working, try something different.
Part of this is from all I have
>read and heard from the daycare workers such as consistancy
>and identifying "triggers"...which I would like to say they
>could not find. He just seemed to do these things for no
>reason but they insisted that either he was learning this at
>home or from somewhere. Only after some time did they also
>realize there was no ryme or reason except the obvious
>things such as transistions, limit setting and invasion of
>his space. Before he was able to verbal express himself
>they just insisted it was because he was using actions
>rather than words. I don't think he even knows.
Day care workers are knowledgeable about techniques that work for your older and younger sons, and the structure of the day care environment may well help your 3 year old behave as desired better at day care than in a less structured home environment. The day care teachers have probably taken a course or two in child psychology and behavioral techniques, but remember, they are not mental health professionals — and in fact, too many mental health professionals are not very knowledgeable about kids with disorders that do not respond to standard behavior/parenting techniques. The day care teachers are wrong that your son is learning to punch or bite at home. (Did YOU teach him how to bite? — Ha! I didn't think so. You might ask them if THEY taught him to do that! Oops. You might make an enemy. Where do they think "somewhere" is — at Sunday school? From grocery store clerks? Does he watch TV shows where people bite each other? No, no, and no. Their training is not all wrong, but it doesn't account for kids who are wired differently.)
I mentioned Dr. Ross Greene & The Explosive Child. That book is a great intro to kids who misread social interactions, and he has another book that's much clearer about how to teach a kid how to interpret the things he's misunderstanding. "Lost at School" is written for teachers, but very much in layperson terms, and valuable for parents too. I think you will find these books helpful.
Your son may have bipolar disorder and/or something else. The kind of behavioral dysregulation you're seeing occurs with some, not all kids with bipolar. It occurs with some, not all kids with other disorders. So, don't fixate overly on the diagnosis. Kids with ADHD, bipolar, anxiety, autism, and other disorders can have challenging behaviors that are not attributable to willfulness or stubborness, You are wasting your time, eroding your son's self-esteem, and not helping your son by doing more of the same. Try something different.
Daunna Minnich
Moderator, JBRF Education Forum
Printer-friendly copy
Email this topic to a friend
